Being strong bukan jadi semalaman

Assalamualaikum

10 November 2015

Wow. A month to go for 2016. How time flies. 

I kind of tired tapi I nak jugak menaip sebelum lupa. Masuk kali ni dah tiga kali typo mengantuk punya pasal. Two more minutes. Two more minutes. 

These days people dok sembang pasal politic and economy. I am sooo keen to talk about that tapi I rasa tak payah lah kot cakap kat sini. Entri sebelum sebelum ni dah boring enough tak payah lah I nak make it worse. Hehehe

Back to the topic. Lately I am sooo much into being a strong woman. Indeed dah years sebenarnya. Cuma lately ni I banyak kali ulang. Dulu tak beria sangat. Hahahaha. 

I am fine. Sampai kadang kadang I really thought I am fine. People surronding beria tanya why seems different lah. Kenapa nampak sedih lah. I pun at times keliru. Am I really okay atau I tertipu dengan my own mind control. Okayyyyyy dah lah cakap sorang macam psiko pulak. 

One thing I am confident about. I am a broken pieces. I am yet to complete. Tapi I am fine. Fine kalau good thing happen to me I choose tak share dengan siapa siapa. Bad things apatah lagi. I choose to spend more alone time than be with friends yang present but not there. 

Nope, there is nothing wrong with them. I choose to be a lone ranger and I am okay with it. Sometimes I do get lonely tapi still bearable. I am still okay. 

Wish me luck. I am indeed an easy person with complicated mind. 

I just want to be strong. 

Diktator rebel dan sekutunya

30 August 2015

Assalamualaikum. 

The other day I was in deep conversation dengan my friend. We argue on is it necessary to put kpi on top of our own integrity. 

I beria reject. 

I asked him, katalah u buat apa saja boss u nak for the sake of to pleased them which  eventually will lead u to better KPIs. Tapi at same time u kena tolak tepi believes u. Philosophy u. Integrity u. As human. Would u really feel better? Really really feel better? 

For example, I nak jual produk. I know kalau I bukak semua cerita memang orang taknak beli produk I. Since KPI I being measured on banyak mana I jual this produk so I ended up goreng my client. Cerita yang best best je. Yes, I might sell a lot. Because I know I can convince people very well. But did this make me feel better? I am not being honest to myself to my clients. I did all this to save my own ass. Did I feel better? 

Yeah we did argue on kita ni makan gaji je. Keje pun sebab nak duit bla bla bla. I must admit I can't stand this people. Bila I insist on bagitaw je baik buruk this produk and let client decide whether  they want it or not, dia keeps on coming back to KPIs lah nanti boss bising lah. Nanti takde sales bla bla bla. 

For god sake. 

I would rather be go out and meet my clients. I would rather tell all the pros and cons. Of course I love this job. I love what I am doing. I won't be telling product which I would never bought for myself. But I still want to be realistic. This product do have flaws. But pros will always supersit the cons. No worries. 

Close or not I really don't give a damn. I am satisfy just because I did want I believe right. Target is one thing. Without it we surely jadi headless chicken, takde direction. Agreed. Tapi semata nak meet this target I nak kena put aside what I believe right I doubt I will feel better sekalipun I meet my target. Pointless right. Especially bila you work ur ass out sampai beria goreng orang sekali untung semua dapat kat company. 

Thanks but no thanks. 

Till then,

xoxo

Be strong. Jangan waved.

23 August 2015

Assalamualaikum.

He didn't miss you bitch. He miss someone who wait for him. Do not waved. 

He didn't deserve your best. 

Walaupun perasaan kau kalau boleh nak mengadu domba menumpang kasih. DON'T.

You will get hurt bitch. Stay away. Stay  as far as possible.

This shall pass.

I hit the bottom rock

22 August 2015

Assalamualaikum.

Actually dah tiga hari I karang entri delete-karang-delete. Hehehe. Well, its kind of mengada ngada jugak lah kan. Biar lah, kan entri I. Bukan ada orang baca pun. Hehehe. 

I was at my worse. The whole week. I experience depression,tense, sadness, overly sensitive senang cerita semua feeling lah at one time. Jenuh jugak lah I nak melayan perasaan sorang sorang. Hahahhaha. I was at the bottom rock. 

I fall hard. Bleeding. Fractured. Macam jatuh dalam perigi tua. Nasib baik takde air sebab I tak pandai berenang. Hehe

Well, bukan I tak pernah hit the bottom rock pun sebelum ni tapi this is the most mixed feeling I ever felt. Selalu kalau I hit bottom rock, I akan quickly get up. Sapu debu. Flip hairs. Chin up. Climb. I won't let myself hurt for so long. My body tak boleh tahan sakit hati lama lama nanti demam. Nope, I do forget and let that past. But I am certainly not forgiving. Yes, I hold grudges. But I am fine. 😊 takde lah sampai I doakan yang bukan bukan. 

This time I was sitting on that feeling quite long. Waiting for someone to give me a hand. To lean a shoulder. I know I boleh climb up myself tapi I just want him to be at my worse. To stay. To cheer me up. Pathetic enough, he didn't. 

Just because I acted tough. And he knows I will get through this. I guess he didn't  want to waste his time. 

Its okay. I still get up. Sapu debu. Flip hairs. Chin up. Climb. Still hurting but I heal myself. Myself. I don't need him anymore. 

This morning I went hiking. I must leave this broken heart up there. 

Farewell. 

The bitch is back. 

Condition : Kind of fragile at this moment. Bleed, fractured. 

Recovery period : another 6 years. 

Falling hard. Sakit jugak lah perasaan nye

30minutes before 12pm. Still 16 August 2015

Assalamualaikum

Impressive. Satu hari ada dua entri. Hehehe. Pencapaian yang baik.

Ahad. Esok kerja tapi I tak boleh tidur. Rasanya sebab minum kopi ah huat tadi banyak sangat. Kenapa lah ah huat jual kopi. Kenapa tak jual maruku ke, aiskrim potong ke. *sigh*

Mungkin ah huat just one of the reason. Maybe jugak the only reason. Ataupun sebenarnya ah huat tak salah apa apa pun. I don't know. I don't even know where went wrong. Tapi I know when all this began. 

When I finally decide to hand that person a gun,let him point to my heart hoping that he didn't pull the trigger. Am I regret?

I tak boleh decide which feeling is better. I finally met someone yang fit my personality. But somewhat I didn't feel right. Macam u pegi crowded place tapi u felt so lonely. Rather than before u where all alone tapi u felt complete. 

At times I wish he did pull the trigger. So that I can leave now. Because I know if I stayed any longer, I wouldn't be able to find myself back. I will fall hard. Bleeding. Fractured. 

I am afraid I might not be able to recover.  

I am speechless. Hopeless. 

Entri setahun sekali

16 August 2015

Assalamualaikum

Its been awhile people. Last entri was in 2014 right? Can't recall. Hahahaha. Konon sebok nau nau lah tak sempat menulis. Konon. Padahal malas. 

Another year. 

After so long suddenly tonight I miss the old me. Well, I know kita kena keep moving forward. Mana ada orang kan walk backward iye dak? Tapi I must admit at times I really rindu to be what I used to be. Bold. Temper. Mulut takde insurans. Hehe. 

Well sekarang pun masih bold, masih temper dan mulut masih belum cover insurans. Cuma dah slow down sikit. Nanti kang orang cakap sebab tu lah u anak dara tua. (Yes masih anak dara terima kasih) tapi one thing yang sebenarnya I wish didn't happen. I wish I would never bother what people think about me. 

Just as much as I denied it, sebenarnya I do care what the hell people think about me.

Kenapa I takde boyfriend. Kenapa I takde ramai kawan. Kenapa I kuat keje. Kenapa I boring. Kenapa I boleh switch personality. Kenapa I cuma ada baju kaler hitam biru merah. Kenapa tak pakai shawl. Kenapa pakai selipar jepun. Kenapa tak dress up. Urghhhh

I really wish I boleh shut this people up. I really wish I would just totally ignore them. Tapi wish jela. Pernah ke hati kita ni ikut apa otak nak? 😊 

So I pujuk hati. So long u tak susah kan orang tak meminta mintak. Then whatever u feel I will bear the cost. U nak sedih pun sedih lah. Nak bosan pun bosan lah. Nak excited pun excited lah. Walaupun deep inside I wish keje u cuma pam darah je. Tak payah nak feeling feeling sangat. Sebab u bukan nak dengar pun kan nasihat I. So be it. But make sure to be strong as well. Because if u crash, I pun crash. 

Till then. xoxo. 

Asal musibah je menulis

Assalamualaikum.

Again, its been awhile everyone (or one) selamat hari raya!! 

8 syawal 2:17 am

I felt bad actually sebab i always tend to write hanya bila ada musibah or i have something to complaint about. Such bias. Sorry. Selain waktu sedih dan berduka i cuma ada waktu bekerja. Kerja mana boleh tulis entry iye dak? *ayat cover line* 

Its been 8 syawal already tapi i still kat rumah bersenang lenang. Well, tak lenang sangat pun sebenarnya. I had been involved in car accident past few days so sekarang ada lah tempoh bertenang dan merehatkan badan. 

Yes, the fact that my car not even a year old tak payah lah kita ungkit kat sini sebab benda pun dah jadi kannn. Redha kan jela. Takde rezeki. Ada sedikit trauma since this is my first time involved in major car accident tapi mak okay jew.

Cuma i had a very hard time to stomach kenapa manusia perlu merumitkan hidup manusia yang lain dan kenapakah kita semua tak boleh jalani kehidupan yang simple dan tak kompleks. I cant be in office for meeting means i cant be in. Thats it. 

Human need time to recover and i am human.

Kenapalah susah sangat semua nak faham. 

Till then,

xoxo